oh the dillema...

You know, there's this Chinese proverb that says, "married daughters are just like spilled out water. " Parents are no longer their first priority, their husbands are. Don't get me wrong, i'm NOT married, and I LOVE my parents to death. But I can't help but wonder why I feel "funny" when I realize that after they come back, "things" will change. I will be spending A LOT less time with him, and there will be no more "coming over" or "going over" whenever we want to. I guess he can come anytime he wishes, but I'd have to go through the trouble of explaining to my parents etc. It's just ... not as spontaneous and free. But on the other hand, I guess I can go out more as I wish because I wouldn't have to worry about my sister.

The truth is, I'm thrilled to see my parents after being apart for half a year. I actually enjoy their company and greatful for their existence. But I guess I still have problems with time management. Not time management in the sense of how to avoid procrastination, but how to manage time between friends, family, and boyfriend. It's just so hard for me. When you're in love with someone, you want to spend every minute with them. Yet the last thing you want to do is neglect your family and friends, because afterall, they're the ones who are more tangible. They are the ones who will never leave you and vice versa. But since when is a person in love rational? oh, the dillema....

Maybe I'm not that courageous afterall

I just realized something while I was trying to decide what to take for summer school. I realize that I hide a lot of my academic failures, my difficulties, and obstacles from everyone. I never told my parents, in fact I sometimes lie to cover it up, I never bring it up in front of friends, or sometimes not even boyfriends. I guess the "good" way to put it is that I have my own way of dealing with things. I like to deal with things at my own pace, on my own, without all the comments and pressure from everyone else. I don't need everyone to look at me differently because of these "failures of mine."

Yet all of it makes me think of something, why is it that I hide it all? Why am I afraid? If I've been living by the moral that you need to be able to face your failures in order to improve, and eventually reach the road of success, then why is it that I'm afraid to show others my flaws? Am I afraid of judgement? I guess I am afraid of being judged as a failure, I am afraid that they will think I am no longer under control with my own studying progress. But am I really no longer in control? I refuse to believe that. I believe that everyone can go from failure to success depending on your own actions. Yes, I must keep that belief.

I realize that even my sister is honest about her failures academically. At least she's honest about it to the entire family. Is it because she was never pressured to hold up the impression of being "smart?" Is that what I'm afraid of? Or she's not complicated enough to think about perserving a certain image? Maybe it's simply because she's not wearing a fake, hideous mask like me. But this is my choice of life, and I must try my very best to make everything work again. Just keep swimming...

Are humans becoming less intelligent?

while i was trying to eat my "lychee jello" yesterday, i read something on the label, which i find quite amusing. it says on the label in huge font, "please do not swallow whole, please chew." i understand where the company is coming from, they just want to avoid situations where people choke, and sues the company because they weren't aware of the possiblity of being choked. but come on! isn't it common sense to chew something that big? do we take too much advantage of technology, electricity, and even law that we're actually evolving, except we're becoming more stupid and need to be reminded to chew? it's so hilarious.

on another note, i was ditched again. so the story starts when he wanted to come to school with me early again (he says so every monday night). so i had insomnia again last night, but thinking it's ok to read a bit, since he would be driving in the morning. it turns out that he was "too sleepy AND too sick" to wake up early again. so what happens to me if i actually depended on him to do the driving? i guess too bad for me. i'm not mad at the fact that he couldn't get up, i understand totally how hard it is to get ourselves out of bed that early, but at least don't promise me, and INSIST that u'd drive/wake up to go to school with me. what if i actually depended on you? i'm just a bit upset because it's not the first time that this happened. i guess sometimes things DON'T go both ways, in many aspects.

on a happier note, working out and bbt with irene was awesome last night. i realized the fact that although i was brought up in a traditional chinese family, i'm quite an individualist. i don't like it when people "care too much" or poke their nose into my private life. there are limits, and i mean to keep them. i want to live my life, and as selfish as it sounds, i will do so. but it's just upsetting to think that people will judge you by decisions you make which will essentially affect ONLY you anyway. but i guess that's life, we can never get by without being judged in some way. afterall, we judge too, don't we?

Who am i to you?

sometimes, i believe that i can see right through your heart, feel what you feel, believe what you believe, and be surrounded by your love. but there are other days when i am not so sure if it's as strong as i believe it would be. so who am i to you?

i was listening to this song by landy, it reminds me of an old friend. but just like him, my memories of "us" seems to be walking away from me, and thus becoming very blurred. how can i mean nothing to somebody who used to think of me as his best friend who he couldn't live without? maybe what happened was such a great impact that nothing matters more than walking away, starting fresh.

there it is, another one of my greyish day. luckily, it's very sunny today.